Rejected, Jaded, unsettled with life.

Rejection is the thickest and Hottest Log on the fire. Rejection can cause more harm than any amount of Anger. Often people who are angry at something the root cause would be a rejection of some kind. I am trying to work on some of my own feelings of this nature today.

     

     A while ago I became interested in a girl and as it had been years I had no game at all. I also did not have any confidence personally. I liked this girl for a long time without saying a thing so much that I would try to avoid contact. The girl usually would find a reason to come and chat with me which it was always the highlight of my day. I once brought here some of my Flowers that grew at my house she was grateful. At that point I could have just asked her out but, I did not have the courage as the fear of rejection was hanging over my head.

     Then I left a note on her desk one day that just said “You Win” I thought I was being witty but she did not understand it at all. I did not tell her that she had won my heart I just make up something else when she asked. At that point I told myself I would not pursue this any further as I do not deserve a relationship and she deserves better. So for months I just did the fake superficial conversations and avoided her as much as I could. Then she started talking to me on instant messenger away from work and that lured me back in.

   The sense of humor the intelligent conversations we had. Do I ask her out then NO! I am still not able to ask or have any confidence in myself. This becomes a real problem as every day that passes I get further and further star struck with this beautiful Woman.  I know I have to say something because it was just getting out of control and I was extremely uncomfortable around her. So do I just ask ummm No…?   I commit myself to writing a Letter telling her all the things of why I like her and want to date and that I am ga ga for her..  (Note do not do this it is full of stupidity)  Then after writing this ten page manifesto of why I like her it takes me a week to finally give it to her.  Absolutely terrified in stomach pain and just really worried about what kind of response I would get I tried to just stay out of sight.

     The results of this became one of my most humiliating experiences. She read it and said she was Flattered by it but had a Boyfriend (I had no clue as I never asked) the humility is she shared it with others we work with and I was a rolling joke for a while.  That Rejection has pretty much kept me from even attempting to date at all anymore. I was angry with myself and told myself I am an idiot and I deserved to be ridiculed. When I stopped working at the job we both worked at I was able to just ignore it and never spoke to her. Then through some weird six degrees 3 years later she is back in my life. I was still very uneasy the first time I saw her and was not social at all.  Epic Fail.

      I also think of what my Parents have done and how rejected it makes me feel.  Joan quit on me when I was 11 as my Mother I felt like I was the cause or I was no good and was being rejected. My Father rejected me as I would not go crazy with him which led him trying to kill me. All thru high school they were never there for any event  Leland made it to one football game my sophomore year. Joan after I reached out to her when I was 17 came to a FFA banquet that I was the speaker at and that is all she came to. My senior year unlike most kids with parents to show to sporting events I had to walk out with Louis Hamilton as my Sports Mom. I felt rejected as I was not important enough to have parents at the many events I had gotten involved with. That has had a lasting anger in me towards both parents as they were not there. They both had the nerve to be surprised when they were not invited to graduation. How do I forgive it is not something I know how to do as the pain is too deep. Both parents are basically not a part of my life by design as I could not be tolerant just because they all the sudden want to care doesn’t mean I have to oblige them.

I have love and it is worth giving to someone but I have to learn to love myself. I have to feel that I am doing good and helping others. How do I put the fire inside me out the guilt; shame, rejection, and loss?