· Energy Drains: is what I am focused on for Therapy this weekend. I am going to work the list to see what I end up with and hoping to find some ways to eliminate them from my life.
· Other People’s Expectations: This has been a minor thought in the back of my mind at most times with the exception of a few relatives. I feel like an absolute failure on most things to date in life. My Uncle I feel I have disappointed as I have not done anything productive. The rest of the Family looks at me because I have not dated and gotten married at this point. This is a major one I feel the pressure and the disappointment. Do I carry this as a major stress issue no with the exception of certain people being around?
· Loss Of Self: This is and will be a large part of my personnel frustration with life. I feel things have been taken from me and I have not coped with the losses of the things I loved that has been taken. I have never dealt with changes that are stressful. The loss hits me close to home and I just shut down emotionally and coast. This is a loss of living life and has happened more than it should have. When you can’t feel anything why would you care about anything? I used to be really outgoing and that is no longer now I freak out when just in public. I also do not have the ability to just blindly trust anyone. That wall prevents me from basic things that others take for granted. I have no answers how to shut this off but currently it is what I feel like now with taking all the drugs I am on.
· Deprivation: I do deprive myself of happiness at every turn. I tend to say no a lot to social events. I have missed a lot in the last 5 years as I had been coasting and lost in my head. I also have deprived myself of getting help for the things I do not know how to cope with. I was also deprived of a normal childhood so many things that should never happened have left scars and pain. Instead of Happiness it was chaos, Pain, confusion and Loss.
· Envy: This one is not as big as I am not in public enough. I do envy some happy families I see now and then or the happy couple’s. Not really as any major thing in my mind a thought pops in saying that would be nice and then I tell myself I don’t deserve that kind of happiness.
· Worry: I worry about everything it keeps me up at night. I have so many things that sometimes the head is spinning so fast I can’t tell what I am worrying about. I worry about relatives and things or just financial stuff. I worry about if I will die alone or if I will ever meet my lost siblings again. This takes years off my life and it is a catalyst to further problems as it starts the downward spiral.
· Unfinished Business: College comes to mind as I am not in a career that makes me happy. I feel I miss out on my opportunities because I was self destructive and did not have stability in my life. My Parents leave a lasting issue of why would I want to resolve anything with either of them. I have things I have to either be able to apologize for or forgive myself which hinders progress at this point.
· Over Commitment: this has just a issue with all the doctor appointments and therapy. Then Working after the appointments especially the speech Pathology because it hurts for the rest of the day and at work all I can do is sit there and be miserable. This is never an too much of a issue as I eliminate any obligations to events and such.
· Holding on to loss: One of my biggest problems in life it causes me such much pain. I seem to want to put myself thru the pain over and over and blame myself for the loss. First the loss of my Mother when she removed herself from my life. How cruel is that she came and told me that she would not see me anymore. It did not help that the home I was living in was not stable and I felt like her leaving was my fault. This lead to self harm and then suicide as I at 11 did not understand how I had ran My Mother off. The loss of my brother and step-sisters because of divorce and mentally Ill Father so many bad things happened in this short 2 years. Step Mom and all of us moved to doon at first and he lived back in Murray and then he called the cops on Marcia saying she kidnapped me there. He packed my things in the car and waved us off. When I had to move back with him he turned into a Christian crazy person that would tell me that I lived with Satan. I ran away and did not come home as much as I could. I lost my Father finally when he lost his mind and tried to kill me. I was tiny and 14 at the time he just snapped. Then he ran off to Oklahoma for missionary purpose and that allowed Marcia to move out of state 15 years now and I do not know my half Brother Mark. I feel guilty I was not there for him that I do not know him at all. Then the Loss of the special Kids I had the privilege of knowing and working for. Aaron and Michael Paul, J.D Maas, and then Levi Boothe whom was Murdered by his Father on My birthday 08/27/2002. That Loss eats at me I ask myself why I could not be there to save him or why not I dye instead I feel the pain of just thinking about what this evil man did to a innocent. I still do not cope with this I find it hard to let go of the pain. This also has challenged my Faith I find it just baffling that if God would allow this to happen. People have tried to convince me that when it was happening to Levi he did not feel a thing. That is bullshit as when I was being choked and beaten I felt all of it. I do not know how to end this pain nor do I have any peace with the loss.
· The opposite side of this coin is to figure out what makes me happy and right now I am not really able to say too much. My Family and little cousins whom I do not see a lot of do make me happy. Music is the only peace I find the frustration of not being able to play things is also there. I like to fish with my cousin he is always positive and supportive.
· Until I figure out how to cope with a lot of things I am uneasy with it will be hard to have any joy that is long lasting…
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