What is a definition of a Parent?

 A parent should be nurturing; Supportive, Interested, and have unconditional love for the child. Just because you gave birth does not mean you are a parent if you do not have any of the attributes listed above. Just because you knocked a girl up does not mean you are a Father that has to be worked for. I have not had any kids or even wanted to as I would want to give them the fullest life full of love. Children are not bargaining chips even if they parents cannot be together they do not get out of the responsibility of being a parent.  Nor should they be used against one side or the other. Parents that fight and use children as power tokens should lose their children so they can grow back up and find mental reason. 

      Starting back to the beginning of my origins my so called parents would not make the grade. I was born to a 16 year old mother and a father that did not know I existed as she had lied to him. Joan being a child herself did not take care of me like a mother should. I was left alone a lot or she would tie the door shut so I could not get out of my room when I was a toddler.  Had it not been for ADA my aunt I probably would have been worse off she called my father and advised he had a son. She took care of me a lot as an infant. Joan would leave me unattended a lot when I was 3 years old I wondered outside and into the back yard where there was a Rottweiler. I don’t remember the attack but I have the scars on my face and head. I was scared of most large dogs all the way into high school after this event. At some point at age four my Father appeared and got full custody of me I moved to Kansas with him where he was stationed at Fort Riley. I remember taking rides on the front of the Bonneville he owned. Things were fairly simple for a bit and then we moved to Germany. I was happy and he was there as much as he could be but I had to stay with a lot of different babysitters at times. Some were not so good I remember in Germany they had an after school rec center with games and in between that and my apartment there was a pool of water full of Tadpoles. So I got a can and brought home a lot of tadpoles. Leland set up a tank for me to keep them in and we watched as they grew to frogs. As his orders were changing he sent me back to live with my Aunt Ada in Murray as he did not know how long he would be.

This was a fun time as I moved in with my cousins and it was an active house. My first few nights were quite rough as I was lying on cushions on the floor and my Cousin Duane fell off the top Bunk on to me in the middle of the night. So I started to share a Bed with my cousin Michael as we are 3 months apart. Sleeping head to feet and really we drug nothing but dirt and sand into that bed. This was a stable time and a fun part of my child hood and I thank Ada for taking me in.  All things have an end and Joan realizing that Leland was still in Germany decided to take Ada to court for custody of me and since Joan is the so called mother she won.           

      So I had to move even though I did not want to. The whole time I was at her house I was sick due to the constant Pot smoking and just unhappy as she really would say things about people I loved I did not like. Joann’s Boyfriend  Randy, did not like me too much he once threw me into a wall as I was playing with a toy in the bathroom sink. Whenever we would be out in public Joan would be sure to point out “this is my son” as a show and tell piece. I was never too happy with her.

    Then Leland returned back to Iowa but he was not alone he had found a girlfriend and two daughters. I was moved back in as he still had full custody and I had to adjust to step sisters. I was 9 years of age and it was an adjustment there were many complications with the 3 of us getting along and just getting used to each other.  From this point the Father I knew for so many years was no more it was not long and the house turned into a battleground between him and Marcia the Step-mother. He could come home from work eat and then go straight to his bedroom most nights while Marcia sat out in the living room.

  Some nights they would start the argument at the dinner table and then carry on till he went into the bedroom and shut the door. For the 3 of us we were just stuck as all the yelling a screaming was not normal. Lots of things that would not happen in a more stable house did happen in this environment. The 3 of us were tasked with all the chores of the house and if we did not do it we would get the Belt. I collected Baseball cards and one day I had them downstairs on the coffee table and as a kid I of course did not just run and pick things up right away well Marcia boxed them up and hid them from me. I did not see them again till after she had moved out 4 years later WTF…  The Fighting continued like clockwork Marcia became pregnant and Mark was born.

   You would think that Parents are to raise children they would take care of the baby. Not true at all Marcia showed Heather and I how to do everything and then we were in charge of raising mark we both were 11 at the time. Nighttime feedings changing the diapers baths all of this was done by us or we got the belt.  They were too busy fighting about everything and Marcia decided to get a job at this time so she was gone all day too like Leland.   When I was 11 my father decided to ask for child support based on Marcia’s recommendation from Joan who I still had feelings for and saw from time to time.

     On day after school she was at my house and she Told me that I will not see her anymore as she is giving up all her rights a parent and I should look her up when I was 18. She never really was a Parent and what she did to me there caused so much pain that I started Cutting myself harming myself and then lead to Suicidal events. 11 year old boys are supposed to have Mother’s that love them. I do not forgive her and will not. My relationship with my father got worse as I also felt he had something to do with Mother quitting on me. I also resented him for never being there for any of us and really the only interaction was so sparse or was just discipline with the belt that I had no clue who he was. They tried having a family counselor come and that did not work at all. I still was trying to die spent lots of time in my room banging my head against the wall. The fighting increased now about Marcia working and just stuff No matter how much we as kids acted out we were ignored or just beaten with a belt. I spent most of my summer days in with Mark as Marcia and the girls would go off and do things.

    Things started to get worse as I was no longer willing to stay or listen to them all the times and I was cutting and harming myself more and more. One day I got into a argument with Marcia over something and I called her a Bitch then ran upstairs to my room and locked the door. She was flying up after me and told me to open the door I was climbing out to the roof as she started kicking the door in. I Jumped off the roof of the house and hurt my ankle.  I hobbled to Ada’s which was down the alley from where we lived and got inside and this is the first time I saw how much ADA loved me. Marcia showed up yelling and screaming and was trying to get at me when Ada told her if she did not shut up that she would flatten her. They sat and talked for hours and I went back home with Marcia later.

My school life was as bad as the life at home I was picked on by everyone. I had no escape from all the negativity so I started trying to kill myself at first it was jumping off the roof then a failed attempt to drink liquids and last I cut open my right wrist. The school intervened and I was sent to a Group ward for Kids in Leon Iowa. Called Focus when I got there after a day I cut my wrist back open with a latch hook so they had me in the quiet room a lot at the beginning. I was so angry I would punch the walls and they put me on drugs. After lots of group consoling and individual therapy it came time for release. I told them I could not go back to the house with Marcia and Leland. So Leland called his Mother to take me in.

I Moved in with my Grandmother and this is one of the happiest bits of childhood I ever had. When living with Grandma I learned to cook; Bake, sew, and was rewarded after completing the chores she had listed for me. We did a lot of things in the community of Lewis worked at the Hitchcock House. One day we took a tour of all the historical sites in different land marks in the counties surrounding where we lived. I was going to school in Lewis and the kids did not pick on me. It was like a new life all together. I went to church and Grandma took me to therapy every week. One night on the Phone I heard listing off some strange ingredients of Hamburger grease, Mayonnaise and I yelled and Said “Grandma You can’t eat that” she responded “I put that in my hair” I just looked at her and laughed. There is no other time in my childhood where I was as happy I felt I had a purpose I felt loved. She was always had a plan for the day on things to do. The last day of school right before I was leaving to walk up a call came in and it was my Father. He told her that he would be coming and getting me today and that I had been there long enough. We both cried as I did not want to go back and Grandma loved having me with her. It is cruel to have some sort of normal life just to be dragged back into the nightmare he called a home.

   
    Back into the Fray I went which was worse than when I left. The only perk was being around Mark and Heather and Jessie. The fighting got worse with Marcia and Leland. Marcia decided to make a bunny farm in the barn which we had to help do all the chores for the bunnies there were over 60 rabbits up there took hours to clean up and feed and water all of them. She was finding ways to be gone a lot more. She had also been looking for an out with Heather being handicapped there was a school and group home where she could move her to in Rock Valley Iowa. It was close to 4 hr drive north and west of where we lived. Marcia talked Leland into letting us move up there but he stayed in Murray. Leland helped Pack us up and even waved us off as we moved to Doon, Iowa. I moved with them because of Mark and did not want to be away from him as my half sibling and was not Marcia was raising him all that well. In a very short time of being there I had started School at Rock Valley. My Father who apparently lost his mind thinking about this called the cops on Marcia saying I was Kidnapped by her. The Sherriff came to the house and we were all in shock and of course I did not want to go back. The Cops took me to the county office and then a few hours there was Leland and he drove me back to Murray. Now it just was the 2 of us and I was in my teens and pissed off at him for taking me away from them. I ran away a lot would be gone for days then come back. During this time I came home from School one day and the house had been transformed all of my father’s Penthouse and Playboys were in the trash. In the next room there was a bible on the dining room table and then Billy Graham clippings on the walls and a picture of Jesus. There was a box of the movies we had that he apparently deemed evil. When I made it to the living room there he was sitting in a new chair with a Bible on his Lap and the Ten commandments on the TV. He said “Hello Son we must learn about the ways of Christ as we are sinners” it was a horror movie. It was not like I was over the stuff he had done and he had never been to church prior when I went it was with older ladies I knew or my cousins after school. This was a Man losing his mind and taking me with him. He started to tell me that Satan slept upstairs and if I did not repent and be saved I would be his slave. I always shouted good as I wanted nothing to do with Christ the Father I was living with he told me he was an Apostle and that he will save my soul. I ran away for more days and the Cops were always bringing me back to that house. Not only was he preaching at me he was sending letters laced with malice and Christian babble to Marcia. She filed for a divorce and all thru that process he would keep ranting on paper that she was a devil. These are letters that she gave me that I still have. The divorce was messy and they had joint custody of Mark before the end of this he went up to Doon and got in a fight with her and she called the cops on him and Grandma and Nadine. This was too much for me to really get over. The week of the 4^th of July 1994 I was 14 when I heard from Ada that my cousins I had not seen in a long time were in Osceola ten miles from Murray. I asked one of my older friends for a ride and he gave me a ride and as soon as I got to my Uncle’s he Called and advised I was at his house. So Leland knew where I was I had a fun time we went swimming, Fishing, and played games. Then my two Uncles drove me home and talked to Leland for a bit he seemed normal. Mark and Heather were there so I went inside to say Hi and see what was up. As soon as my uncles left Leland came in and snapped he said “that if I want to be a man then do so “he kept on saying that over and over. I said something and called him a name and then he starts shoving me. I fell over a few times and down the stairs towards the front door. I got outside and he hit me hard with a right cross. I was 4 foot tall and 100 pounds it was not like I could fight back. The second punch knocked me over and then he was screaming and put his hands on my throat and slammed my head down on the ground. Then he was choking me and I could not breathe and was almost passed out when Heather came out Yelling at him. All I remember is he let go long enough that I ran I was going straight to the Cop’s House. I looked back and he Mark and Heather were behind me. The neighbor’s had apparently saw or heard some of it so they called the cops. When the cop was not there I sprinted to Ada’s Friend that I knew he did not know. I got there and was crying a frantic and Vicki was then hysterical and she called Ada and I heard her say I was there and I have marks on my face and neck and there was panic. The cops caught Leland downtown Murray and apparently Vicki was instructed to bring me there. Ada arrived on scene looked at me and then went straight at the squad car Leland was in. She was yelling and screaming at him and at that Moment I knew she unconditionally loved me.

   I went home with Ada and filled out a statement for the Cop’s but Leland had custody still. So he called his Older Brother Randy to come and get me. It was Randy who convinced me not to press charges and that I would have to work on a relationship with Leland even though I did not want to. I moved to Marne and now lived with Kenner, Randy, Christina, and Brittney.  I listen to Randy on most things he had me working for him at his shop which had structure I mowed lawns. There was a group of Kids that all got together and played all sorts of games. Randy started taking me to Church and to adult education classes. Christina and I would good friends and I liked my little cousin Brittney a lot they both would annoy me with Crocodile Rock when we’re doing chores.  As I got older all the stuff that happened to me as a kid started to messes with my head and Randy and I were fighting a lot about work for no reason. I also hated that randy would make me spend time with Leland to see if we could get along. Every Holiday he would get in my face and say stuff any chance he could get. When I was 17 I pushed him on his ass because I was fed up with him. I kinda lost my mind at some point as I left school one day and then drove all the way to Murray I do not remember this drive at all. I arrived at the school and my cousins asked what I was doing there and I said did not know. So I move in with Ada and my cousins again there were some ups and downs as Mom was married to Gregg and they both were drinking way too much at the time. I had mental issues all thru the rest of the time I was there. I even tried to get Joan involved back into my life but she proved that she was not a parent as she never came to anything she was invited to.  All she would do is at family reunions run around to relatives that still liked her and say I was her son she would bring them over and get in my face about it. She is nothing but an Egg Donor the Icing on this when my grandmother died she did not even know who I was. Ada Had to correct her and say “that’s Bobby in a harsh tone” As for Leland we have talked but I will never forgive him for the loss of Mark out of my life. He choose to run off after dropping me off at Randy’s  to get out of child support and that allowed Marcia the right to move out of state. She has never contacted anyone in 15 years. The only time I see him is if I go to family dinners and even then I tried to hide but he always has something to say. He is not a Parent he once was when I was little but he stopped being a parent at age 9.

   My Parents are now Ada who has taken me in supported me Love me and been there. She is my Mother and I love her and want her to know that without her I would not be here today.  Randy and Kenner make up the other side as Randy has been supportive, nurturing and a voice of reason for me. This week proves to me that he loves me and that means so much it makes me want to get better and be there for him. I learned a lot about how to live with Randy and we may have had our differences about Leland but I know a Father figure when I see him.  I love the few bits of Family I have and never have I wanted to cause them harm. I know I need to heal so I can be more available to see them.    Thank you Grandma. Randy and Ada for loving me and showing me some light and, being there thru my rough times I would not be here today without their help.