Does time really heal all?

  Today things just came crashing down like a ton of Bricks in therapy. I also ended my speech pathology treatment with a return to work next Wednesday.

I am worried about the changes and that I will be not able to use the peer center as much to be able to vent or just talk about the issues that are occurring in my head. Yesterday, I had another confrontation with the psychologist I am seeing he still says that Mayo is not a good Idea. To Admiral Akbar I would like to introduce him to my cat the Domestic Terrorist Phil.

      I am able to call my relatives and friends now it is something you take for granted. Today for the first time a year I talked to my Grandma and Aunt Nadine. That has made me happy but also regretful as I never see or hear from grandma anymore.  It seems time goes so fast and really can get caught up in your own universe. I am diagnosed with Major depression, Post traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety those take life away as I was not on meds and therapy prior to now. Living Life with no emotions or purpose is what I have been doing for years.

      I have started to learn what the word recovery means and how that can be achieved? I have read 12 books now on mental illness and recovery I will continue to work on that thru groups and therapy and reading as it will not just happen overnight. My therapist says I am doing well and a lot stronger but I have a long way to go. I have suppressed so much and I feel pain and anger for a lot of things that have happened in the present and the pass. One part of recovery that I have control on is the meds I am on it took two months and at this time I feel like I can stand the drugs I am on. I hate some of the side effects a lot and every morning is a question of should I take these and I do it. For the first time in last 3 months I was able to cry before I have been on too many drugs and that had me numb to everything. I am going to apply for a Peer Specialist position so that way I can use this towards helping others. I used to be able to help so many people with my Jobs of the past. It has been a missing part of my life.

     
      I know that I am getting better in the long run but it is never going to be easy. The last two weeks I have been severely depressed as I had been reducing meds as I do not feel my psychiatrist is working for me. I have argued with him now for the last 5 weeks and really I am in the process of switching as I need someone who is going to listen and not just let things drag out. I know that I have to be on the drugs and I am willing to commit to taking them if they are working but I am not going to let someone dictate the drugs and just say they are what you need to take. I do not deal well with side effects like increased shaking and blurred vision and that is what I had been arguing with him about for weeks. I will have ups and downs as the PTSD comes to me in dreams or random moments and they are like rogue waves that bring me back to a painful thought. I am finding difficulties coping with things that really hurt. The last two weeks I have been distracted or just out of it. I no longer can go to the peer center daily as the hours are not compatible with work. I have returned to work which will help with financial stress. I will have to keep stress down as I feel I can relapse back into no voice. This was written three weeks ago.

  

    The mayo conclusion of visits has left me in a state of no final answer. What I mean is that the tremor in my voice has no cure and that drugs for tremors are not really successful for voice. I saw the neurology department which confirmed I have essential tremor. That causes my body to shake but they do not think it is the same thing in my throat. I saw the psychology department at mayo and they confirmed that my current doctor is an idiot. Last doctor I saw in mayo was Dr Duffy who is the speech Pathologist he stated I need to keep working on inflection and that the tremor will not go away. I feel better that I can talk and I will be looking into singing lessons in the future.

I still have to go to therapy for a lot of things and to learn coping skills for stress. I also will continue to take the drugs as I want to live life. I made the return to work July 6^th it went ok. I was missed as my work was annoying my coworkers.  I find that I have not missed a beat on work and just trying to keep stress levels down at this time. I need to work to pay bills and make sure that I can keep my independence. I know that my family wants me to move closer to home. It is a nice thought and I would like some of it but I have no idea what I want to do? If I move I lose all financial progress that I finally had made. Currently I am sitting in equity and living above water.  The stress of being in the hole financially is hard on me. I took a loan off my 401k to consolidate the latest round of medical debts and to get my roof fixed. I am not overjoyed but I would rather have the monkey off my back as it looks like I am done with most of the doctors for now.

      My boss keeps asking now that I can talk if I want to apply for a different job. Today was the second time since I have been back that she has asked. I do not think I willing to change at this time and that is what I told her and that I will not commit to a phone position. I know that I am not getting paid the same rate as phone agents are now but my voice is worth more than a few more dollars an hour. I also don’t want to add more stress on my life right now. I think she knows I am capable of doing a different more demanding job and that is why she keeps bringing it up. I will think about this for a while but really not going to make any moves till maybe next year.  This Blog took a while to get out as I have been watching a lot of BSG with Jim. I also have been trying to keep busy with some things away from home.  

Time flies now that I am back to work so will have to get into routine of writing the blog again. Till next time