Why I feel So Empty?

As I sit here and shake myself insane I realize that I have been living empty for such a long time. The full body tremor eats at any joy I could possibly find at this time. This song seems to really explain some of my pain it is something I can relate to. I have been living a Hollow life and just been routine driven with only the thought that this is life.  The Song “What Happens when the Heart Just Stops by Glen Hasnard”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NC8ajv95t0

“So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing
So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away
Well we got no-one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving
Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement
You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by
There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
It's so late, till you're gone”

It just makes me feel like I have been wasting life and now waking out of a state I have no clue who I am? I always feel I have disappointed everyone who cares for me. How do I heal from the years of self Damage? 

      I have committed to keep taking pills and going to therapy. The Pills are a major challenge as they are causing so many Side effects and really uncomfortable with the whole process.  One I don’t have a Shrink that cares he just prescribes drugs and if you’re having issue with the pills your on just prescribe pills for the side effects. Which are not working and causing Blurred vision and the Shaking gets worse and worse each day. I am sick of this I want to stop taking the pills but that is not really an option now. I am on so much that I would crash into worse condition than I was before I started the Drugs. It is a Trap once you’re on these drugs your on them and not suppose to stop taking them.  That is something I have never accepted in the past so why now. I do not feel happy just feel controlled not to feel anything. 

   I have started to read a new book “The Chemistry of Joy” it is a complete explanation how the brains chemicals can cause the imbalance which leads to depression. Instead of focusing on the drugs to do everything he is actually giving the alternatives by changing Diet and certain foods help replenish the Brains Chemicals naturally. The Dr Henry Emmons talks about how he treats his patients in a full 360 health view. He gives examples of what he does for each of his cases. One of the examples talked about a young woman who did not want to go on the drugs and he advised the patient what to eat and exercise and see in a few weeks how she was feeling. He could of prescribed drugs but, she did not want them and he gave the alternative.  My Psychologist has no clue what I am taking I have to tell him what drugs he prescribed each time I see him. I do not trust him so that is why I am reading more about depression and how to fight it.  Do to the amount of trauma I have been thru and not been able to cope with I feel that I will need to be on drugs for a while to stabilize things.  That is something I can handle only if the side effects are not overbearing like they are now.

   A lot of people have been supportive and I now accept that I do not have to be alone. I appreciate all of the people who have said something or shared concern. That keeps thoughts of suicide at bay knowing the damage it causes others. I wanted to get back to work but the side effects have not allowed that to happen so to all the work friends I will be back hopefully soon or I will have major stress financially.  I had my first appointment with Mayo Clinic it was ok just another Flex cam Scope to confirm non organic issue. I have to go back in a few weeks to see a Speech Pathologist there.  I am hoping they can help me break thru the wall I am stuck at with my speaking voice. My Aunt Kenner drove me there and we went to dinner at “The Great Honker” it was really good food even got her hooked on the Fried Cheese Curds. I am thankful to all the relatives who help me. This will not end anytime soon as that is not how depression works but maybe in the future I can come to peace with things.

Since I have been up so early reading and shaking I listen to insane amounts of music. This is helpful to keep me distracted and listen to jazz. I have walked a lot lately but it is not really shedding weight like I want. I will have to talk to the doctor about how to lose more weight. I also go into today to talk about surgery on my Wrists to see if that will help with the pain. I have no clue if my insurance will cover it.  Until Next time ….