This morning I am shaking so badly it is hard to type. I am trying to see if I can relax the shaking by rambling here. Yesterday My Aunt Kenner and I went to Mayo Clinic for the first time to see about my voice. Dr Ekbon was nice and we did another scope to see if any organic issues exist. What we did find is my new dry mouth problem is caking crap on my vocal folds and around them in the throat. That causes irritation I drink a lot of water but still get the dry mouth because of the Pills. I have to go back in two weeks to see speech pathologist who considered one of the best in the country. So I am looking forward to meeting her and will keep working at my voice issues. As far as the rest of my life I am frustrated. I can take being fed up with this a lot better than a few weeks ago. I have been in therapy and taking the pills even though I do not want to be dependent on drugs to stay sane. For me it is an argument of why can't be stronger mentally? I have a lot of work to do as I have Pandora box open and nothing can hide in my vault anymore. It is years of repression and not confronting my own problems that have caused me to snap. Stress; Anxiety, Depression, Post Traumatic Stress disorder, are the things that have turned me into a non functioning Human Being.
Doctors, in my mind cannot really trust them as I feel that they never listen or care when you having complications. My current Psychologist is so out of base with my stuff he had to ask me what I was taking when he is the same person that wrote all the prescriptions. He does not give any clue to what the hell the pills will do for me. I also complained about this shaking that has gone from minor issue to full blown chemical Parkinson’s. I have always had a constant tremor in my hands but this is my whole body. What this feels like is probably what a junkie feels when there out of drugs. I will give Dr Akbar one more attempt as the last visit instead of changing antidepressants he prescribe me a pill to combat the side effects of the anti depressants. I say WTF there many other products on the market that probably has more appropriate and manageable side effects than my current regime. So far the new drug has just caused nothing but side effects and not reduced shaking at all. Current Side effects of these wonderful pills; Shaking, Constipation, Nausea (love that) Dry mouth (not good for voice), Blurry vision at times (wtf,) and last and my favorite Drowsy which leads to headaches they go together. This is not a pity party just what my life is right now an uncomfortable state due to taking the drugs. The bottom Line is the pills I am have helped a little with relaxing my throat muscles. They also have me in an emotional holding pattern meaning it is not possible to cry or really express too much.
So Bob what have you been doing since you’re not at work? I am on short term disability right now because of the pills and possible surgery for carp tunnel. I am sorry to my coworkers for not being there at work I always understand the Power of One. I spend time now Reading books that challenge my negative thinking that will help me see my triggers better in the future so I don’t dive off the cliff like I wanted to. I did 9 sessions outpatient group therapy which in some ways helped but I am now seeing a therapist once a week. This is hard for me to commit to as a creature of habit and the whole money issue. My therapist is working in the since I do not feel unimportant like I did the last time I was in therapy. My goal is to finally live without the chain around my emotions. I did the psyche test when I was in the hospital and it shows a list of personality problems and Identity issue. I agree with some of the test results but, not all of it since this has been a long 20 years of pain and self destructive behavior that has to find a end if I am going to be something. 
One of the Books that have helped me wake up a little is called “Second Day Fe Anam Avis 2008” If you look at the cover you can see the metaphor that is being used on the cover of the book from the left to right. On the left is what the writer calls “The first Day” which is your life leading up to the first suicidal thought. As those thought increase you slip into an “Evening” setting that leads to the middle dark shade in the book cover called “The night” which is where I am still in a medicated Dark phase trying to work out to the image on the right of the book on the right of the cover the Tree is in Full bloom that is called “Second Day” which the results if you come out of the night and choose life. This book was written by a former pastor that was a teacher on suicide prevention and advocate to get to as many people as he could. Due to a divorce and separation from his 4 kids he became suicidal. The Book breaks down all aspects of suicide from reasons the thoughts are there two why many of the people you love in your life do not know how to respond and that could make things worse. The Pastor also did not push or use but limited references to the bible as he stated that does not work for everyone and is a personnel issue with the individual and faith. This book has made me a lot more aware and able to see my own gaps and lets me think things out with a guide of what not to focus on certain things. I am reading other books
About this topic as it helps be aware that I am not alone in these dark thoughts.
The Others
In the Book it explains that some people out there can help in your darkest hours. He refers to them as the “Others” as it could be friends, Therapist, or just someone who has some of the same issues that is able to relate to the feelings you have when you’re in the night. I have found that this time I do have people who love me and want me to get better. I thank them all as it does make things seem better when I know I can lean on them to carry me out of the nightmare. I have met some new friends that have mental illness and it is easier to talk to people whom have lived in similar Pain.
The Peer Recovery Center
Is a place in Waterloo that is run by a nonprofit organization? It is a refuge for people with mental illness and substance abuse issues. It is run by a social worker and the staff of peer meaning they have some form of mental illness. It has a lot of people who come up and sit and talk or use their computers. It is a good environment as some of the books I have been reading have came from there Library. The center is a place to face your fears like social anxiety and depression just by being there. They offer one on ones if needed with a peer. They also have groups to attend like the “Hide No More’ is for depression anxiety and whatever may be bothering an individual. They can go in a group setting and vent. I find this group could be helpful as it keeps you in check when there are others in the same boat. They also do activities like picnics, Movies, Wii gaming so it is a mental health resort. I have been going daily and even when I am just there not talking I am slowly fighting the issues I have. I wish I had known of the peer center prior but things happen for a reason.
My Goals
· Get Control of the Drug issues and find alternatives that do not cause as much side effects. Currently shopping for a new shrink that has a clue and will actually know what drugs I am on.
· Get back to work as soon as possible I have nothing but doctor’s bills piling on me and I miss working. The only thing to worry me there is stress as I cannot cope with stress that easily anymore.
· Finally after years of self destructive behavior I want to have someone in my life. I want a special person whom can relate to my problems and with understanding of my illness. Who can be my best friend to share life? A relationship as I feel it is important to end my current habits of Isolation and seclusion. I never give myself any thoughts that someone would want to be in my life. So I have been defeating this goal for years and that has to change for me to grow.
· Find myself and identity as it has been missing for a long time now. The Mask has been on so long I do not really know who I am at times.
· Forgive myself and others of the wrongs that happen that hurt me. I keep all of this pain in me because I think I deserve all of it.
· Find hobbies that are social and force me to interact with people. This one will not happen overnight but the Peer recovery center is helping as new people come in there all the time.
· To start looking at the future and what that could be. Right now I am day to day and do not think anything too far ahead unless it a negative thought.
· Be able to get back the ability to help others without feeling so much pain and heartbreak. I miss working with children but I carry so much pain it is hard to imagine going into that field again. My current career is not what I find happiness or, feels I get anything back from working there other than a paycheck.
· Get to New Zealand as I want to see my friends there and just go somewhere for a while away from the states. Travel was a common thing in my youth and teens and since I committed financial suicide have had no means to travel.
· Keep This Blog active and welcome any suggestions to write about odd or serious
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