April 21st, 2011 I choose life.
This is my thoughts this post is for those whom care about me. No one has to agree with my thoughts at all but it will not change what is consuming my mind. It is because the people who love me that I was able to get help instead of taking a drastic and deadly bad choice.
There is no comparison that will change my mind as I have an illness and repressed unresolved issues that does not allow me to reason in the same way as others do. That has to be said as I feel that people are quick to think if they just tell me of something worse in the world it will not change my own thoughts.
Mental illness is a disease I carry this like a plague. Up and down are the moods of my life. I even have a mask that I apply to not give the impression that I am sad and to seem normal. My past and many events that have happened in my life have affected me and with no real way to know how to process those things they are misplaced or repressed. Abuse as a Child has many levels Abandonment from someone that should love you. Loss of a Family as they moved away like gypsies and Guilt that I was unable to be a part of their lives knowing that it would not be easy for them.
The shame from things that occurred at childhood you cannot change. Resentment and Rage from what has been taken from my childhood from the Party that was supposed to love and nourish. Dysfunctional Family structures, with the effects of what relationships is toxic and. should be ended or not. Having someone you love Taken from you in pure evil form and the feelings of guilt that you were not able to prevent it. This is the Baseline of my head just spinning all these thoughts as I feel I deserve the Pain that I have earned it and it should never go away… I am Self-destructive.
That said for the last year and 4 months I have been Sick. Pain in throat everyday and, not able to speak which, makes me feel even less human. It is humiliating to live this way and frustrating. The mistrust of Doctors has had an effect on me as well so I still have a long road ahead of me for being cured. I hate having to ask for help or burdening my Relatives for things it takes away my independence. I have been going to speech Pathology for months now with no luck and based on their suggestion I went back down to Iowa city to see if there was any organic causes. That appointment was a complete devastation and loss of hope as I got a solid impression they had no answers.
That swung me into a severe Low of depression and unrest and that started an uncontrollable collapse that I have been on. Add they all of the above issues and I became focused on all that is wrong and the Question became why Live at all. With a Family event thrown into this I was consumed every day I started Crying or would be just hysterical. It is hard to focus on work or anything in this state and I was making mistakes at work and that made me feel even worse. I was trying to hold back my tears all day at work which is hard when so many people come by your desk. I see them living life happy and all I can say to myself is I don’t deserve that kind of happiness I am worthless and not wanted.
This escalated out of control to Wednesday Night the 20th of April and then the next morning I had a set plan on how to end everything. I reached out to my Cousin and I listened to her request for me to go to the doctor’s office so I did. In the doctor’s Office I could not really respond too much and was unwilling to sign the suicide pact as it would have been a lie. So I was committed for my safety and for Life that I may live.
This is not easy to say and really the thoughts of Suicide are still there but I am seeking help and attending the daily treatment to work out this and find balance again. I have to learn Coping skills for being sick and all of the things that affect me. I also now take a large regimen of pills that are to stabilize my anxiety and depression. Unfortunately I do not think I will be able to get off the pills anytime soon as this will not go away.
I am glad I met some people that do understand the pain and conflict this illness is. I will try to build strong relationships with them as I journey forward in life. I will have to make Goals and then work at them.
To all that read this I never want to hurt you in any way. I do love you and I am thankful you are in my life. It is because of your love that I am still here today.
I'm here for you man. If it weren't for being at Allen we would never have met.
ReplyDeleteBob, this is powerful stuff. I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you've had, I'm aware of a few of them from some of the things you've told me.
ReplyDeleteI honestly can't imagine knowing a nicer guy. I'm sure you know life is busy enough and my kids keep me occupied every waking minute that I'm not at work, etc, but I often read your updates and think about how you're honestly one of the nicest guys I know. That's clear just from the few times we've hung out, the times you've helped me load my equipment just out of kindness, and the good things you have to say about other people.
I'm glad you have some people in your life that make you feel worthwhile. I'm sure many of those people are like me and think you're a really good guy. Many of us get caught up in our busy lives but we're all hear to listen if you need us.
Keep in touch with us whenever you need it. I hope things improve for you. It's the least we can do if any of us can do something to help.